It’s really normal for men to lose their erection from time to time. This can happen if you’re:

  • not that turned on
  • feeling tired or distracted
  • worried about something
  • using chems
  • the sexual scenario you’re in is just not a good fit for you for some other reason

Have a look at the video we recorded just for you about confidence with erections.

 

For some men a cycle gets created where they start to worry about getting or staying hard, perhaps if they feel a partner will react badly, or if they find it really embarrassing. The problem is that worrying about it can make it more likely. This happens as the physiological processes that control our sexual arousal and our anxiety response (sometimes called ‘fight or flight’ response), work against each other. For evolutionary reasons, the fight or flight response usually wins out, and this shows itself in interrupting sexual arousal.

This process would be useful if there was real threat or danger ( e.g. You were having sex and all of a sudden a fire broke out). However, these kinds of emergency situations during sex are not that common. Instead, our ‘fight or flight’ response is activated by sex related worries like:

  • what if they think my dick is too small?
  • how do I look from that angle?
  • they look bored, they mustn’t like this
  • I hope I don’t get syphilis again
  • I probably should have used a condom
  • they’re not that into me
  • what if I don’t stay hard or cum too soon?

It’s normal to have a variety of worries and thoughts during sex, all of us do. But if we get more focused on these worrying or distracting thoughts rather than being focused on what’s hot about the scenario, or on our own enjoyment and sensation in the moment, a vicious circle can be created which looks like this….

It’s normal to have a variety of worries and thoughts during sex, all of us do. But if we get more focused on them rather than what’s hot about the scenario, or our own enjoyment and sensation, a vicious circle can be created which looks like this….

A vicious circle like this can impact on your ability to get and stay hard. The more it happens, the more you worry about it. The more you worry about it, the more it happens.

There are other processes happening too. Our brain needs to be able to pay attention to what’s hot, to continue to feel turned on. The more attention we pay to non-sexy or worrying thoughts, the less attention we have available for what’s erotic or feels good. Being distracted means it’s on is much more harder to get and stay turned on.

The good news is that there is plenty that you can do to increase your confidence, so that you can break this cycle.  Taking some time to practise the techniques below can create a virtuous circle, where the more experience you have of this going well, the less likely you are to lose your erection.  What’s also great about the exercises below, is that practising them regularly alone can have a positive impact on what happens when you are with someone else.

If you are someone who uses condoms, but your worries about stopping to put a condom on is causing a problem, building condom use into these exercises is a great way to improve things.

In the next pages we will take you through a step by step process. You can use the arrow below to the next pages.

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